i can't breathe


I got up this morning and felt a little ill. I think it started a week ago when Bryan and I were attending an arts festival at Daniel's school. After viewing his "wall-a-art" which included painting, digital art, ceramics and poetry, we had the priviledge of speaking with a couple of his teachers. On the topic of college, one of his profs suggested MICA or Pratt.

At that moment the room began to spin.

I guess I have just been counting on the apparent blessing of Bryan's job benefits which include free tuition to University of Maryland for family members. I had pretty much "discerned" that this was god's way of letting us in on what was to be the next part of our son's future. Of course even though we as parents were verbally keeping the option of other colleges open, upon reflection I had felt that financially we were off the hook. Case closed.

Then Daniel's prof had to say those words. And my mind started to turn over the possibilities and the responsibilities.

And to top that Daniel comes home with some horror story of how difficult it is to get into UofM re-telling a tale by his teacher about one of her students who had a 4.3 gpa that was rejected due to affirmative action. Yes, you can get more than a 4.0 these days with AP classes, and honors courses, etc. which in fact, Daniel has taken his share...

but he doesn't have a 4.3.

And he is a white male and there isn't much a person can do to change that.

Now I am not going to get on a soapbox about affirmative action because I don't really have one and this blog isn't about that anyway. It is about the stress created by wanting to provide the best for your child.

...be anxious for nothing......be anxious for nothing......be anxious for nothing...

And so last friday (normally my artist date) I spent the whole day looking at those schools suggested by daniel's teachers, and their price tags. Research is part of my way of solving a problem, and there are some outstanding resources out there regarding college and so I plunged in. I felt better, and a little more informed. I even looked at worse case scenarios (ok I have faith but I am not the optimist in my household-that is my husband's job).

But today I woke up stressed and tired. I even went back to bed. I could tell I had been grinding my teeth because my jaw was sore and my shoulders hurt. All day long I had trouble breathing and tried to ignore it. Maybe I was really sick. My chest felt tight and I couldn't get a full breath of air. This seemed so silly and yet what if something was really wrong...I started thinking about doctors and illness brought on by stress and started to get more stressed. Could being concerned about college for daniel make me unable to breathe?

Of course not.

Turns out I had my bra on too tight.


You are so fortunate that your son has so many choices. Today I helped my child celebrate her first year of sobriety...after 10 years of addictions. At 25 she is trying to catch up on the education she missed. She is certainly bright enough. And God is restoring to us the years the locasts have eaten.
Get some bigger bras, eh?

blair, once when i was pregnant with madeleine i came down with a debilitating headache that was making me sick. my best friend kimmie tried everything to help me and i kept feeling worse and worse. finally, she offered to massage my head and neck to see if that would help and when i took off my hilary clinton style headband (it was the 90's :), within about 3 minutes i mysteriously felt fine.

she still asks me if i have a too tight headband on when i complain about feeling sick. :)

and headbands/too tight bras/whatever...realizing you are responsible for certain aspects of your kid's life is one of the most all-consuming, stressful things ever. it does feel like quite a weight, even when your heart is completely in it. hang in there!

thanks for sharing. That is truly something to celebrate! I have a brother that was finally estranged from the family because he never reached that point.

ok the headband thing made me laugh.(i had one of those too, and yes they do give you headaches!)

went to get our oldest daughter from college today, end of her freshman year. when it is all said and done, the SAT's, the GPA's and all the worrying, it was the experience as a whole that molded and shaped her, not the academics or even not getting into her first choice of schools.
it really is all about the journey...(and affordable tuition, of course;)

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About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Blair published on April 25, 2005 5:00 PM.

motherhood's journey was the previous entry in this blog.

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