preachy writings
« re-defining church | Main | seattle window »
October 02, 2006
letting go-the second separation
It was just over a month ago that we dropped Daniel off to his new life in college. Apart from us for the first time I wrestled with the separation. I expected that there would be some sense of loss. Loss of identity, loss of presence. And there was. One day in particular I felt it so strongly that the only thing that gave me comfort was to paint. I painted a big canvas all in red. I can't explain it but it made me feel better. The natural parting of parent and child is something to be embraced as good, healthy, and inevitable. So I've adjusted and I was feeling pretty good.
But now he has fallen in love.
And let me tell you, I was not prepared for that. At least not so soon.
And so a new level of separation begins.
Last week Bryan and I drove north to baltimore to have dinner with our son and the woman who had so completely captured his attention. And I was nervous. This was emotionally foreign territory that I wasn't sure how to tread.
You ever want to just be yourself but the situation almost forces you to be a hyper-version of yourself? It is a very weird feeling.
Anyway, butterflies aside, we got to meet Celine. Dressed in a fusion of victorian and goth, looking very much like a student of art, I liked her immediately, and we began to navigate through the door of new relationships. Discussion revealed a quick wit and sophistication behind an introverted demure. (Yes she is an introvert, can you imagine a table of introverts?) As the evening unfolded I watched the look in my son's eyes as he watched her. I watched her look at him.
sigh.
Yep it's bad. Head over heels the both of them.
Wrestling with the newness of this, trying to make conversation and feeling way too young to be entertaining the whole situation I was amazed at all the mixed feeling that arose in me. Happy for my son but struggling with this new identity that was being thrust upon me was...
weird.
As the evening continued over tappas conversation became comfortable, the awkwardness felt in the beginning of the evening, forgotten. We ate, laughed and everyone seemed to have a good time. Later upon taking Celine home we were able to meet her parents and found many things in common in our approach to life, family, and culture. At some point I will write more about these new people in our lives (after I get to know them better). But there was an interesting sense of familiarity to the whole evening.
But today I struggle with the second separation. It is a tricky thing to just recover from the adjustment of a missing presence only to be hit with this second one. The seriousness of this second one is too soon for me to digest, too much for me to take in. For years there have been three in my perfect little family.
Can there be a fourth so soon?
I would scoff and say no-way if I was standing on the outside looking in, but the reality is somewhat different. And to deny that at this very same age I gazed into the eyes of my would-be husband, young, idealistic, and so in love...
would be a lie for my own heart's protection.
Of course I would want the same kind of amazing relationship for my son as what Bryan and I have shared. There was even a fear that he may never find something so rare.
But has he?
So I wrestle with and against future scenarios. Projections of what the new normal might be while still letting go of what once was. The flood of feelings range from joy to jealousy, pride to fear and circle back to the longing for the past.
Why do things have to move so fast? I feel as though I am in a rollercoaster car that has just clickety-clicked its way to the top of this steepest point, pausing before the big plunge.
I am too young for this.
Posted by blairanderson at October 2, 2006 11:42 AM
Comments
whoa. i can't imagine the layers of emotion this creates. wow. you'll both (all) be in my prayers!
Posted by: bobbie at October 2, 2006 06:03 PM
just imagine how I must feel. :)
Posted by: daniel at October 2, 2006 10:33 PM
yea, this is a real tough one for me. mixed emotions all around, thanks SO much for your prayers.
Posted by: Blair at October 3, 2006 09:18 AM